I DUMPED 'SOPRANOS' STAR AFTER THE SENIOR PROM

The ENQUIRER usually pays $200 for contributions to their Celebrity Classmates section (this week: "BOYS DIDN'T STAND A CHANCE WITH CHEERLEADER KATHIE LEE") but if you're Loraraine Baracco's ex-boyfriend Ray Nowak, you earn a full page (and no dough) for revelations like how your first date was a showing of "The Godfather!" "Lorraine was hot," he said. "She was easily one of the prettiest girls in school. A lot of guys wanted to date her. The girls wanted to be her friend." ONLY IN THE ENQUIRER ... do guys in high school want to date the same person that other girls want as their friend.
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# I DUMPED 'SOPRANOS' STAR AFTER THE SENIOR PROM

 

INSIDE PHYLLIS DILLER'S H'WOOD HEAVEN

You will find an oil painting of Bob Hope that he presented her after filming "Boy Did I Get a Wrong Number" in 1966, although it looks like it was bought for $14.44 at Kmart. Phyllis, 85, has a 22-room mansion in Brentwood, Calif.--"on the same street where O.J. Simpsn was living when he was arrested after the murder of his ex-wife Nicole."

The Card Room is where Phyllis invented "Diller Gin."

"It's absolutely fabulous," she said. "Deuces are wild and you can pick up as many cards as you want."

"I play almost every night with friends like June Haver and Ward Grant.

June Haver, incidentally, last acted in 1953, when she entered a convent. Ward Grant is Bob Hope's long time publicist who, like it or not, only has one thing left to announce.
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# INSIDE PHYLLIS DILLER'S H'WOOD HEAVEN

 

H'WOOD DIGS DEEP FOR CHARITY

A tedious clip job on celebrity do-gooders, featuring the thinnest photos recently published of Jerry Lewis, Oprah Winfrey and Elizabeth Taylor. I'm sorry, but there's only so much pre-9/11 guilt anyone can take.
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# H'WOOD DIGS DEEP FOR CHARITY

 

HOW MARGOT KIDDER'S SUPER DOGS SAVED HER LIFE

She was driving from Maine to Canada to star in a production of "The Vagina Monologues", a regular gig of late. But after her SUV skidded sideways, and then rolled over, Kidder's mixed-breed dogs rushed to her rescue by barking loudly. Margot's good friend David Stucky told The ENQUIRER that the actress will require "a walker and crutches for some months, but she's still in great spirits." Guess her vagina was unharmed.

You can always send Margot a free ecard courtesy of her very own website. The one where she's wearing a Blues Brothers T-shirt with the protruding nipples is especially tasty. Despite the mishap, Kidder is still on for next weekend's Super Mega Show in Newark, NJ, where she is scheduled to sign autographs alongside original Lois Lane actress Noel Neill, plus Charlie Callas, Uncle Floyd and a batch of large breasted women ("B" starlets and "Playboy" models) and men (wrestlers).
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# HOW MARGOT KIDDER'S SUPER DOGS SAVED HER LIFE

 

BILLY BOB MOVES NEW GALPAL INTO HIS LOVE NEST

"Both Angelina and former wife Pietra are devastated that Billy Bob is partying up a storm at the mansion with beautiful Danielle Dotzenrod--who's the new woman of the house, say sources." Nice to know that as Mr. Thornton first tasted the spotlight with "Sling Blade," his latest 5'9" flame represented South Winneshiek on an all-state volleyball team in Iowa. She was a middle blocker. FAST FACT: Danielle's eventual goal is to become a music teacher.
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# BILLY BOB MOVES NEW GALPAL INTO HIS LOVE NEST

 

'PLANET OF THE APES' STAR'S SICK MOM PLEADS: LISA MARIE COME HOME!

No, not Priscilla Presley--she knows where her daughter is at all times. (Such as pages 12 and 20 of the latest ENQUIRER, where we learn that Nicolas Cage's $65,000 diamond engagement ring that she tossed into the sea was replaced in time for the MTV Video Music Awards.) This is the other Lisa Marie, whose mother Patrice Pavlocak is bedridden with the debilitating muscle disorder fibromyalgia and lives in a flophouse. Burton recently dumped Lisa Marie after 10 years in favor of Helena Bonham Carter. Pavlocak inisists she is not looking for a handout, which is why The ENQUIRER wasn't looking for her photo, either.

"I am very worried about my daughter's mental state since her breakup with Tim."

Since?
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# 'PLANET OF THE APES' STAR'S SICK MOM PLEADS: LISA MARIE COME HOME!

 

REALLY! IT'S THE 'WHO'S THE BOSS' KID

Dressed in drag, natch. And he makes for one vile-looking chick. Danny Pintauro, you might recall, came out of the closet ("and obviously took the contents with him") in a 1997 ENQUIRER interview. Three years later, for a cover story in "The Advocate," the lad who played the "lovably loopy Jonathan Bower" (that's "The Advocate's" description of a gig that amounted to setting up Tony Danza's punchlines) explained that, in fact, The ENQUIRER threatened to reveal the child star's homosexuality if he didn't come clean himself.


You were only 21 and out to your parents for about a year when The ENQUIRER called. Did you freak out?

No. I was utterly prepared for it. I knew it would happen sooner or later. I was out in every capacity of my life. I took a little time off at Stanford and lived in L.A. for a couple of months, and I was just being a big whore, being very out. So I was surprised it didn’t happen then.

What was the first thing you did after The ENQUIRER contacted you?

I called my parents. They were a little more freaked out [than I was].

Did your parents give you any advice?

My parents were sort of hesitant. They just didn’t know what to do. They were still dealing with me coming out and weren’t 100% ready for this. So I called Judith. And Judith knew exactly what to do. She said “Look, just talk to them. If they are going to write a bogus story, at least they’re going to quote you right, because they have to.” So I spoke with them, and it actually turned out to be a really great article. It was heartfelt. There was lots of compassion. Everyone was very surprised. So I have some respect for the ENQUIRER for that. It could have gone very wrong, but it didn’t.

Seems like they owe a debt to Danny for that one. That's why he sends in a snapshot of himself at the Crown & Anchor in Provincetown, Mass. and it shares a page with a story on the "American Idol" finalists. But does The ENQUIRER not know where to find an attractive drag queen? Mike Walker's All The Gossip pages in this issue features Kelli Osbourne gyrating onstage at the G-A-Y club in London, overshadowed by a repulsive leather bikini-clad hermaphrodite. At least "Globe" casts a more positive light on gender bending this week, however hypothetical.
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# REALLY! IT'S THE 'WHO'S THE BOSS' KID

 

HAVE YOUR SAY

The ENQUIRER pays $25 for each letter they publish. Send yours to yoursay@nationalenquirer.com. In the case of this submission that's, like, a buck a word:

The "Oh, Baby!" photos really do make ENQUIRER readers smile! Thanks for putting such a great upper in your pages. Sure beats the downers on the nightly news!--A.M.D., Erie, Pa.

Hmmm, how about the downers in The ENQUIRER? Or do those don't count? Incidentally, the "Oh Baby!" submissions pay $50. This week's features 5-month-old Makayla Evans of Summerville, S.C. in a "rare moment of repose" also known as "sleep".
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# HAVE YOUR SAY

 

JACKO'S BABY ISN'T MINE ... SAYS MOM OF HIS OTHER TWO KIDS

The ubiquitous source describes the plight of ex-wife Debbie Rowe.

"Michael basically used her as a hatchery for Prince Michael and Paris. And he has isolated her from their children. He even demanded she give a month's notice before any visit to his Neverland estate. She has said on the rare occasions she did get to visit, she had to go through a sanitation procedure before being allowed to touch her own children!"

Problem is, this story seems to contradict Mike Walker's item from a few pages later:

Hard news in the "Is Michael Jackson broke?" sweepstakes. Swanky Hotel Bel Air, where he often pads when he's not in Neverland, nixed the star's request for seven room reservations until his whopping tab of $200,000 is squared! One week later, "King of Pop" still hadn't popped! It's sad because--and who knew this?--it's where he and baby-maker Debbie Rowe sometimes got together--letting the kids run around through their adjoining suites.

Further along this week, we learn how "JACKO PLAYS SCROOGE AS DAD'S KICKED OUT OF HIS HOME". Joseph Jackson, 73, is currently facing foreclosure on his Las Vegas home where he lives apart from his wife, Katherine. The kids aren't being of much help.

"Meanwhile, Katherine is telling friends that Janet just bought her a place in Vegas under one condition--Joseph could not live there!"

The best revenge for Joseph at this point? Have an affair with Debbie Rowe.
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# JACKO'S BABY ISN'T MINE ... SAYS MOM OF HIS OTHER TWO KIDS

 

JONBENET COPS SHRED RAMSEY ALIBI--NEW EVIDENCE FOUND AS PATSY'S HEALTH FAILS

The implication, of course, is that the bad karma from the mysterious circumstances surrounding JonBenet's death has come back to haunt her haggard mother. "Chemotherapy treatments for advanced liver cancer caused her colored chestnut-brown hair to fall out, and the returning stubble is tinged with gray. Her weight is approaching 180 pounds." But adding to the image of imminent dementia is the fact that Patsy Ramsey is painting pictures of the investigators "arrayed around her Boulder house--pointing accusingly at it." Another depicts Patsy and her husband John. Beverly Hills psychiatrist and relationship expert Dr. Carole Lieberman offers an analysis:

"In the first painting, she has her accusers arranged in a semi-circle, pointing fingers of guilt. The semi-circle represents the noose tightening around her. The painting with the dead tree and fire, and Patsy and John shown as one person, is very telling. Patsy could be revealing she feels the heat of the investigation closing in on her--and that she and John share the guilt."

An abstract expressionist she is not.
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# JONBENET COPS SHRED RAMSEY ALIBI--NEW EVIDENCE FOUND AS PATSY'S HEALTH FAILS