National Enquirer Tabloids

I DUMPED 'SOPRANOS' STAR AFTER THE SENIOR PROM

2002-09-10T17:08:00.000-07:00

The ENQUIRER usually pays $200 for contributions to their Celebrity Classmates section (this week: "BOYS DIDN'T STAND A CHANCE WITH CHEERLEADER KATHIE LEE") but if you're Loraraine Baracco's ex-boyfriend Ray Nowak, you earn a full page (and no dough) for revelations like how your first date was a showing of "The Godfather!" "Lorraine was hot," he said. "She was easily one of the prettiest girls in school. A lot of guys wanted to date her. The girls wanted to be her friend." ONLY IN THE ENQUIRER ... do guys in high school want to date the same person that other girls want as their friend.

INSIDE PHYLLIS DILLER'S H'WOOD HEAVEN

2002-09-10T17:07:00.000-07:00

You will find an oil painting of Bob Hope that he presented her after filming "Boy Did I Get a Wrong Number" in 1966, although it looks like it was bought for $14.44 at Kmart. Phyllis, 85, has a 22-room mansion in Brentwood, Calif.--"on the same street where O.J. Simpsn was living when he was arrested after the murder of his ex-wife Nicole."

The Card Room is where Phyllis invented "Diller Gin."

"It's absolutely fabulous," she said. "Deuces are wild and you can pick up as many cards as you want."

"I play almost every night with friends like June Haver and Ward Grant.

June Haver, incidentally, last acted in 1953, when she entered a convent. Ward Grant is Bob Hope's long time publicist who, like it or not, only has one thing left to announce.

H'WOOD DIGS DEEP FOR CHARITY

2002-09-10T16:40:00.000-07:00

A tedious clip job on celebrity do-gooders, featuring the thinnest photos recently published of Jerry Lewis, Oprah Winfrey and Elizabeth Taylor. I'm sorry, but there's only so much pre-9/11 guilt anyone can take.

HOW MARGOT KIDDER'S SUPER DOGS SAVED HER LIFE

2002-09-09T17:09:00.002-07:00

She was driving from Maine to Canada to star in a production of "The Vagina Monologues", a regular gig of late. But after her SUV skidded sideways, and then rolled over, Kidder's mixed-breed dogs rushed to her rescue by barking loudly. Margot's good friend David Stucky told The ENQUIRER that the actress will require "a walker and crutches for some months, but she's still in great spirits." Guess her vagina was unharmed.

You can always send Margot a free ecard courtesy of her very own website. The one where she's wearing a Blues Brothers T-shirt with the protruding nipples is especially tasty. Despite the mishap, Kidder is still on for next weekend's Super Mega Show in Newark, NJ, where she is scheduled to sign autographs alongside original Lois Lane actress Noel Neill, plus Charlie Callas, Uncle Floyd and a batch of large breasted women ("B" starlets and "Playboy" models) and men (wrestlers).

BILLY BOB MOVES NEW GALPAL INTO HIS LOVE NEST

2002-09-09T17:09:00.001-07:00

"Both Angelina and former wife Pietra are devastated that Billy Bob is partying up a storm at the mansion with beautiful Danielle Dotzenrod--who's the new woman of the house, say sources." Nice to know that as Mr. Thornton first tasted the spotlight with "Sling Blade," his latest 5'9" flame represented South Winneshiek on an all-state volleyball team in Iowa. She was a middle blocker. FAST FACT: Danielle's eventual goal is to become a music teacher.

'PLANET OF THE APES' STAR'S SICK MOM PLEADS: LISA MARIE COME HOME!

2002-09-09T17:09:00.000-07:00

No, not Priscilla Presley--she knows where her daughter is at all times. (Such as pages 12 and 20 of the latest ENQUIRER, where we learn that Nicolas Cage's $65,000 diamond engagement ring that she tossed into the sea was replaced in time for the MTV Video Music Awards.) This is the other Lisa Marie, whose mother Patrice Pavlocak is bedridden with the debilitating muscle disorder fibromyalgia and lives in a flophouse. Burton recently dumped Lisa Marie after 10 years in favor of Helena Bonham Carter. Pavlocak inisists she is not looking for a handout, which is why The ENQUIRER wasn't looking for her photo, either.

"I am very worried about my daughter's mental state since her breakup with Tim."

Since?

REALLY! IT'S THE 'WHO'S THE BOSS' KID

2002-09-06T17:12:00.000-07:00

Dressed in drag, natch. And he makes for one vile-looking chick. Danny Pintauro, you might recall, came out of the closet ("and obviously took the contents with him") in a 1997 ENQUIRER interview. Three years later, for a cover story in "The Advocate," the lad who played the "lovably loopy Jonathan Bower" (that's "The Advocate's" description of a gig that amounted to setting up Tony Danza's punchlines) explained that, in fact, The ENQUIRER threatened to reveal the child star's homosexuality if he didn't come clean himself.

You were only 21 and out to your parents for about a year when The ENQUIRER called. Did you freak out?

No. I was utterly prepared for it. I knew it would happen sooner or later. I was out in every capacity of my life. I took a little time off at Stanford and lived in L.A. for a couple of months, and I was just being a big whore, being very out. So I was surprised it didn’t happen then.

What was the first thing you did after The ENQUIRER contacted you?

I called my parents. They were a little more freaked out [than I was].

Did your parents give you any advice?

My parents were sort of hesitant. They just didn’t know what to do. They were still dealing with me coming out and weren’t 100% ready for this. So I called Judith. And Judith knew exactly what to do. She said “Look, just talk to them. If they are going to write a bogus story, at least they’re going to quote you right, because they have to.” So I spoke with them, and it actually turned out to be a really great article. It was heartfelt. There was lots of compassion. Everyone was very surprised. So I have some respect for the ENQUIRER for that. It could have gone very wrong, but it didn’t.

Seems like they owe a debt to Danny for that one. That's why he sends in a snapshot of himself at the Crown & Anchor in Provincetown, Mass. and it shares a page with a story on the "American Idol" finalists. But does The ENQUIRER not know where to find an attractive drag queen? Mike Walker's All The Gossip pages in this issue features Kelli Osbourne gyrating onstage at the G-A-Y club in London, overshadowed by a repulsive leather bikini-clad hermaphrodite. At least "Globe" casts a more positive light on gender bending this week, however hypothetical.

HAVE YOUR SAY

2002-09-06T17:11:00.001-07:00

The ENQUIRER pays $25 for each letter they publish. Send yours to yoursay@nationalenquirer.com. In the case of this submission that's, like, a buck a word:

The "Oh, Baby!" photos really do make ENQUIRER readers smile! Thanks for putting such a great upper in your pages. Sure beats the downers on the nightly news!--A.M.D., Erie, Pa.

Hmmm, how about the downers in The ENQUIRER? Or do those don't count? Incidentally, the "Oh Baby!" submissions pay $50. This week's features 5-month-old Makayla Evans of Summerville, S.C. in a "rare moment of repose" also known as "sleep".

JACKO'S BABY ISN'T MINE ... SAYS MOM OF HIS OTHER TWO KIDS

2002-09-06T17:11:00.000-07:00

The ubiquitous source describes the plight of ex-wife Debbie Rowe.

"Michael basically used her as a hatchery for Prince Michael and Paris. And he has isolated her from their children. He even demanded she give a month's notice before any visit to his Neverland estate. She has said on the rare occasions she did get to visit, she had to go through a sanitation procedure before being allowed to touch her own children!"

Problem is, this story seems to contradict Mike Walker's item from a few pages later:

Hard news in the "Is Michael Jackson broke?" sweepstakes. Swanky Hotel Bel Air, where he often pads when he's not in Neverland, nixed the star's request for seven room reservations until his whopping tab of $200,000 is squared! One week later, "King of Pop" still hadn't popped! It's sad because--and who knew this?--it's where he and baby-maker Debbie Rowe sometimes got together--letting the kids run around through their adjoining suites.

Further along this week, we learn how "JACKO PLAYS SCROOGE AS DAD'S KICKED OUT OF HIS HOME". Joseph Jackson, 73, is currently facing foreclosure on his Las Vegas home where he lives apart from his wife, Katherine. The kids aren't being of much help.

"Meanwhile, Katherine is telling friends that Janet just bought her a place in Vegas under one condition--Joseph could not live there!"

The best revenge for Joseph at this point? Have an affair with Debbie Rowe.

JONBENET COPS SHRED RAMSEY ALIBI--NEW EVIDENCE FOUND AS PATSY'S HEALTH FAILS

2002-09-05T17:14:00.001-07:00

The implication, of course, is that the bad karma from the mysterious circumstances surrounding JonBenet's death has come back to haunt her haggard mother. "Chemotherapy treatments for advanced liver cancer caused her colored chestnut-brown hair to fall out, and the returning stubble is tinged with gray. Her weight is approaching 180 pounds." But adding to the image of imminent dementia is the fact that Patsy Ramsey is painting pictures of the investigators "arrayed around her Boulder house--pointing accusingly at it." Another depicts Patsy and her husband John. Beverly Hills psychiatrist and relationship expert Dr. Carole Lieberman offers an analysis:

"In the first painting, she has her accusers arranged in a semi-circle, pointing fingers of guilt. The semi-circle represents the noose tightening around her. The painting with the dead tree and fire, and Patsy and John shown as one person, is very telling. Patsy could be revealing she feels the heat of the investigation closing in on her--and that she and John share the guilt."

An abstract expressionist she is not.

LIZA FIGHTING TO SAVE HER MARRIAGE ... AND THE STRAIN IS TAKING ITS TOLL!

2002-09-05T17:14:00.000-07:00

"For weeks she'd been begging him to give her more down time, asking him 'Are you trying to kill me?" a friend disclosed. Sounds like the perfect connubial setting in which to raise a child.

STARS WHO LIE ABOUT THEIR AGE

2002-09-05T17:13:00.001-07:00

Donna Mills is 61, not 55. Charo is 61, not 51. Zsa Zsa Gabor is 85, not 83 nor 79 nor 74. Calista Flockhart is 37, not 33. Halle Berry is 36, not 34. Sandra Bullock is 38, not 35. Kirstie Alley is 51, not 47. Sally Jesse Raphael is 69, not 59 nor 57. David Brenner is 66, not 57. And, most significantly of all, Nick Nolte is 61 ... not 70.

INSIDE SARAH MICHELLE GELLAR & FREDDIE PRINZE JR.'S WEDDING PARTY

2002-09-05T17:13:00.000-07:00

Nothing beats snapshots that are so blandly candid, they might as well have been staged, in spite of the insistence that the extravaganza in Mexico involved security measures tantamount to the CIA. "During dinner, Sarah, a well-known board game fanatic, revealed she had brought an assortment of games for her and Freddie to play on their wedding night--including Scrabble, Yahtzee and Scattergories." Moreover, "after a post midnight swim in the resort pool, everyone turned in about 1 a.m." Guess they didn't want their celebrity skin to get too pruned. And not a paparazzi helicopter in sight for Freddie Jr. to shoot at.

'AMERICAN IDOL' HOST FLIPS FOR 'BAYWATCH' BABE

2002-09-04T17:15:00.000-07:00

Once on "Baywatch" always on "Baywatch"--given that Brooke Burns is currently known as the hostess of reality stunt show "Dog Eat Dog". The "American Idol" host in question is Ryan Seacrest, who'd been dating ancient "Idol" judge Paula Abdul. But a guy pretending to be 26 is probably better off getting busy with a chick pretending to be 24.

Beautiful Brooke had been married to "Charmed" star Julian McMahon, but they split after she read in The ENQUIRER that Julian had been cheating with Shannen Doherty on a sexy island vacation.

That'll usually do it, yes. No word of where Brooke's 2-year-old daughter Madison goes when mom and Ryan are hiking together on the weekends on trails through the Santa Monica Mountains, the beach in Malibu, or strolling hand in hand through the art exhibits at the J. Paul Getty Museum in L.A.

Mike Walker, meanwhile, reports on Ryan being obsessed (italics his) with the suspicion that judge Simon Cowell is flipping him the bird of a regular basis. Cowell says Seacrest is delusional--which is why columnist Walker is offering $200 to the first reader who identifies the best scene where Judge Sarcastic flips the bird. Could it be the recently dumped spinster Paula Abdul's extended digit that Ryan is imagining instead?

THE NAME GAME STARS PLAY AT HOTELS

2002-09-04T17:14:00.000-07:00

If The ENQUIRER can pad a half-page with this disposable filler, then we can be equally unimaginative in how we regurgitate it.

Jim Carrey uses the alias Pete Moss.

Rod Stewart likes to be known as Sid James.

Phil Collins books in under the name Peter Brink.

John Wayne Bobbitt uses the fake name Les Johnson.

Rosie O'Donnell masquerades as Fred Beasley.

*NSYNC's Lance Bass orders his green eggs and ham under the name Ted Geisel ... but, oh, the places he won't go!

Thanks to MSNBC.com's Jan Herman, among other plugs, TABBED should hit 6,000 hits in its first week. But where is the reader feedback, huh?

PETS & THEIR STARS!

2002-09-03T17:16:00.000-07:00

Yes, they are pets. But are they stars? If you happen upon the British magazine "HELLO!", full of smiling faces of celebrities you've never heard of before, it would seem that most people on those shores aren't pining for their products either. The two-page spread featuring the comments of photographer Christopher Ameruoso makes the case that these "stars" are a mere notch above their animals in terms of fame.

Shannen Doherty: Brought her drooling bullmastiff Max Luca on the set of "Charmed". Will the pooch be as pampered when Shannen goes to film her interstitial segments in her new job deadpanning from a teleprompter as hostess of the Sci-Fi Channel's "Candid Camera"-inspired prank show "Scare Tactics"? Doesn't seem like they'd tolerate dog drool on that set.

Slash: Has a dog and about 30 reptiles "and believe it or not, he plays with them every day." Axl, meanwhile, is preoccupied playing with his dreadlocks.

Kristen Johnston: "She met me wearing a long black dress and said, 'Let's do something different.' Then she pulled off her dress and posed with her dogs in a stunning white Gucci bikini. Wow!" Wow, what? Wow that she didn't have a bulge in her bottoms?

Angie Everhart: Two cats, named Elvis and Ms. Kitty. "She's constantly rescuing animals." And even once rescued one from Shannen Doherty.
The other four featured stars: Pamela Anderson with her dog Star (ah, that'd explain the headline), Jason Wiles of "Third Watch" with a 9/11 rescue dog named Atlas, David Alan Grier with a couple of schnauzers ("funny just like him") and the enigmatic E.G. Daily with her beloved Rottweiler, Cassius.

TONY RANDALL GOT A TOEHOLD ON ACTING IN HIGH SCHOOL

2002-09-02T17:16:00.000-07:00

Jean Rappaport Kraft waited over 65 years to pick up her $200 for this Celebrity Classmates submission. She and Leonard "Tony Randall" Rosenberg attended Tulsa Central High School in Oklahoma.

"He was always acting all the time, " his classmate revealed. "With his voice and everything, he said he was playing a part." Flamboyant Tony enjoyed assuming a "theatrical mode," Jean explained.

The "toehold" part of the headline refers to the fact that Tony had "this nerve-wracking habit of cracking his toes in his shoes during class." That would seem justification enough to label the story "TONY RANDALL: TEENAGE CRACK ADDICT". Maybe all the letters didn't fit.

PENELOPE IN SHOWDOWN WITH NICOLE--OVER TOM ... SPANISH SPITFIRE'S DETERMINED TO BECOME THE NEXT MRS. CRUISE

2002-09-01T17:17:00.000-07:00

Is this article strictly the product of demographic research on the part of The ENQUIRER? Here we have a situation where Penelope Cruz, cast as the doe-eyed heart-healer, is pitted against the scheming squint of Nicole Kidman. The close source disclosed: "For the past several months Penelope has been consumed with envy over Tom's decision to bring Nicole back into his life." Moreover, "Penelope is stick of being stuck in the 'just dating' mode--she wants a commitment from Tom."

It's a superbly written article, if only because you have all the evocations of a catfight, yet there's nothing in the story that anyone involved in this triangle could be bothered to dispute. Just tales of prima donna actresses huffing off to movie sets and whatnot, while it's Cruise who is depicted as the doting father. This is certainly perpendicular to Tom asserting that America is a "terrifying place", suggesting that he'd be moving his children out of the country.

Is Tom Cruise that much of an anti-patriot that he'd shun his Spanish munequita hanging off his arm at Hollywood premieres in order reunite with that Aussie shrew from whom he maliciously filed for divorce? All for the sake of the children, right?

MURDERED MILLIONAIRE'S SECRET DOUBLE LIFE ... 'GOSPEL PITCHMAN' HID SEAMY SIDE OF SEX & STRIPPERS

2002-08-30T17:18:00.001-07:00

Rick Chance, the founder of Empire Glass, an auto windshield repair business that, in addition to paying up to $100 of your insurance deductible, promises you 12 (count 'em, 12) free dinners if you do business iwth them, found himself murdered by one of the alleged several exotic dancers he was canoodling with, despite giving big bucks to his church and claiming to be more fond of the Scriptures than strippers. Brandi Hungerford, 25, is on the surveillance video checking in to visit Chance at a Best Western Hotel in Tempe. The next day, only one of them checked out.

Given her surname, Hungerford might have been attracted to Chance on the grounds of the dozen free meals he was serving up; the Empire Glass site clarifies that "This is a free dinner whether you dine alone, or if you are with someone else. This dinner offer is our way of thanking you for choosing Empire Glass Co. for you glass replacement needs." She also seemed fond of the $1 million in jewelry that Chance had in his briefcase. That police found two unwrapped condoms in his pocket suggests that things didn't go exactly as he planned that evening. Hungerford had checked into the hotel with her boyfriend, Robert Lemke Jr., a 24-year-old male stripper who dances under the name "Dakota". And here you thought that male strippers were only aroused by horned-up housewives who stuffed bills in their jockstraps.

A curious subplot involves Chance's ex-wife Jill Scott, a former Mrs. America. "Back in 1988, The ENQUIRER revealed that Jill had wed chance after dumping her husband George Scott--who claimed he'd shelled out $100,000 for plastic surgery to help her win the Mrs. America title!" However, not only did pageant officials successfully sue her for $100,000 for not admitting she was divorced from her first husband at the time of the pageant (wouldn't be married twice make one more qualified to be called "Mrs. America"?), she was later charged with filing a false $330,000 bankruptcy claim at the time she was married to the auto glass mogul ... and was also liable for a further $250,000 in damages after it was discovered her bible-thumping spouse hired a bounty hunter to shackle Scott's first hubby at gunpoint over unpaid child support, even as the poor sap was toiling at a Taco Bell in Belleville, Kansas. Got all that? Good.

MIKE WALKER WRITES

2002-08-30T17:18:00.000-07:00

She's Goldie Hawn's daughter, wife of rock star Chris Robinson of the Black Crowes--AND she starred in the rock epic "Almost Famous"--but Kate Hudson wasn't famous enough to get the backstage pass she demanded from security guards at the Rolling Stone concert in Toronto! "Don't you know who I am?" raged Kate. One guard snapped back: "No ... and I don't care!" But Kate lucked out when Totally Famous Sharon Stone came to her rescue and whisked her inside to meet Sir Mick & The Codgers!

What's fascinating about this story is hearing that the exact same scene reportedly repeated itself about 10 days later, except the performer in question was Hudson's scruffy husband. And no Sharon Stone to the rescue, either. Could it be that regardless of how many times Hudson appears on the cover of "Vogue", she's nevertheless destined to be using those same pictures 30 years from now on her website, not unlike her on-(and off-)screen role model.

WILLIE NELSON AT 69: SMOKING POT AND LIVING OUT OF A BUS

2002-08-30T17:17:00.000-07:00

Presumably, you could wallpaper the White House with one copy of every article The ENQUIRER has ever run deploring drug use amongst celebrities (and regular folk) over the past 50 years. Are we to presume the tide is turning? The headline for a four-paragraph item seems to laud Nelson for his weedish ways at age 69, even if the actual article makes no mention of such activities. (That is, unless most readers assume the term "itinerant singer" used by Nelson to described himself is a fancy euphemism for "baked".) Mike Walker's All The Gossip spread, meanwhile, serves up this nugget:

Clouds of funny-smelling smoke wafted up from "Spider-Man" hottie Kirsten Dunst's patio table at one of Hollywood's hottest nightspots--which included a "dealer" dude who kept rolling joints in plain sight and passing them around! It was brazen behavior even for TinselTown, and stunned eyewitnesses noticed that Kirsten toked every time a hand-rolled was passed around, made no effort to hide it--and kept getting progressively gigglier!!

The classifieds in this week's ENQUIRER, though, only feature one advert with the headline "BEING DRUG TESTED?" Just one? At this rate, it's only a matter of time before the clients who've traditionally bought into "High Times" are solicited to fill display space vacated by the tobacco companies.
posted by Marc Weisblott 3:38 PM Comments?

THE HOOKUP: Because it's The ENQUIRER, it takes a while to sink in that their (presumably) new The HOOKUP section is their equivalent of "Teen People" or any number of other Generation Y offshoots of popular periodicals. More recently, a revamped "Rolling Stone" is also prompting purists to shudder in response to the rock magazine's apparent determination to pander to the shorter attention spans of the generation born after MTV.

Could this be a trend, then? Will we be seeing The HOOKUP as a separate publication in supermarket checkout lines someday, competing for rack space with all of American Media's other rags? The latest installment features candid shots of starlets with exposed thongs, even if some of them (like Carre Otis) are shot from the rear--at least you know that's gotta be Pamela Anderson because of her tattoo. Also, a section called The Juice Bar informs us that Gwyneth Paltrow hangs out with Madonna, the bassist of Korn has a porn star sister, and the Osbournes found their dog. There are 7 Things You Didn't Know About ... Michelle Branch. "1: Born July 2, 1983 in Flagstaff, Ariz ... 4: is a huge fan of Steven Tyler." Well, the two of those things go together, don't they?

Also readers of The HOOKUP learn, in an exclusive interview that NELLY HURTS FOR HIS FRIEND. His former rapmate, City Spud (real name: Lavell Webb) "who's serving a 10-year sentence in a Missouri prison after pleading guilty to robbery and armed criminal action in 1999 for his role in a heist that left another man seriously wounded." Nelly is working with the system to try and get him out because, after all, it really is unfortunate that people who do things like that need to be incarcerated. Is it safe to say The HOOKUP section brandishes a morality that's distinct from the rest of The ENQUIRER?

O.J. ON THE ENQUIRER: I CAN'T LEAVE HOME WITHOUT IT ... BUT I WISH I COULD!

2002-08-29T17:21:00.000-07:00

Just last month, The ENQUIRER were reporting on O.J.'s taped confession, where a bar girl hired by the mafia got Simpson high, and prompted him to confess. Now the paper reports on how, during an interview with low-rent Tampa-based redneck shock jock Bubba the Love Sponge, O.J. explained how The ENQUIRER photographers trailed him from Paris to Rome and back home again this summer. Because, you know, the thing we need to see most are more pictures of O.J.

Here's part of the featured transcript:

Bubba: "You can't take a s--- without them covering it."

O.J.: "Yeah."

O.J. also told Bubba that he will consider a $2 million cash offer to star in a porn movie "when my kids are out of school". Perhaps that'll inspire them to pursue a few PhD.s. Besides, there's already enough O.J. content gathering dust in the back room of the video store.

OPRAH SOARS TO A DEADLY 275 LBs. ... BINGE EATING IGNITES DEADLY HEALTH CRISIS

2002-08-29T17:20:00.001-07:00

That's the latest ENQUIRER cover. Wait, haven't we seen this story before? Back in February, the magic number was 257--guess they just flipped the digits on the layout. But then, Oprah looks so dorky on the cover of her own magazine's latest issue, maybe she was asking for the grainy speedwalking shots that may or may not give credence to the inside source's claim that, "Her face is swollen nearly beyond recognition. It's puffy and full of ripples. The flesh is bumpy with peaks and valleys."

DAVID CARUSO DIDN'T LEARN FROM 'NYPD BLUE' MISTAKE ... 'CSI: MIAMI' STAR STILL A 'PAIN IN THE BUTT'

2002-08-29T17:20:00.000-07:00

Well, based on this page of NYPD Blue screen shots, if your co-star's butt looked this slim and shady, you'd be reaching for the Preparation H, too

JENNIFER ANISTON ... CHEATING SECRET WRECKING HER MARRIAGE

2002-08-29T17:19:00.001-07:00

"Her verbally abusive father cheated on her mom--and then left the family when Jennifer was only 9," reports The ENQUIRER. Yeah, yeah, didn't we already know that? The story offers some insights from marital expert Dr. Judith S. Wallerstein, author of "The Unexpected Legacy of Divorce," but doesn't explain how Jen is now pals with her pop, while mommy sells family secrets behind her back.

A source close to the couple reveals: "Brad has nicknamed Jennifer 'The Leaker' because she cries so much. If she's not careful, her cheating worries will turn into a self-fulfilling prophecy." The Leaker? If this sobriquet catches on, maybe there's a product that Aniston can endorse.

Here's the most interesting allegation, though: "Jennifer has a pair of cargo pants and orange Maharishi-styled pants--and that's pretty much her wardrobe. But fed-up Brad suggests she puts on a dress for those rare occasions they go out." Yeah, because it's really important that you show off your figure in the latest couture when you're hanging offa him.

MILTON BERLE'S MISTRESS OF 50 YEARS TELLS ALL

2002-08-29T17:19:00.000-07:00

See what a reputation for having a huge schlong will get you after you croak? It becomes a revelation that "Mr. Television" was only an "average" lover. His showgirl mistress, Jean Forray, explains in The ENQUIRER:

"Millions of people saw him as a loud, brash personality who dressed in women's clothes and was never more than a second away from slapstick. But I loved the little boy in him. The clown antics were all for show. I knew how romantic he could be when we were alone."

They had a love child named Robert because, well, that's what people did in those days. (Actually, she had an abortion the first time around.) And while Uncle Miltie was onto his second wife, Forray reunited with Berle's prodigious appendage in the '80s.

"I remember one wonderful night in Vegas--when I was 59 and he was 76--I asked him, 'Aren't we getting a little old for this?' Obviously we weren't."

A little old for this? Really, now. After all, Miltie certainly didn't think he was a little old for this.