OPRAH SOARS TO A DEADLY 275 LBs. ... BINGE EATING IGNITES DEADLY HEALTH CRISIS

That's the latest ENQUIRER cover. Wait, haven't we seen this story before? Back in February, the magic number was 257--guess they just flipped the digits on the layout. But then, Oprah looks so dorky on the cover of her own magazine's latest issue, maybe she was asking for the grainy speedwalking shots that may or may not give credence to the inside source's claim that, "Her face is swollen nearly beyond recognition. It's puffy and full of ripples. The flesh is bumpy with peaks and valleys."