REALLY! IT'S THE 'WHO'S THE BOSS' KID

Dressed in drag, natch. And he makes for one vile-looking chick. Danny Pintauro, you might recall, came out of the closet ("and obviously took the contents with him") in a 1997 ENQUIRER interview. Three years later, for a cover story in "The Advocate," the lad who played the "lovably loopy Jonathan Bower" (that's "The Advocate's" description of a gig that amounted to setting up Tony Danza's punchlines) explained that, in fact, The ENQUIRER threatened to reveal the child star's homosexuality if he didn't come clean himself.


You were only 21 and out to your parents for about a year when The ENQUIRER called. Did you freak out?

No. I was utterly prepared for it. I knew it would happen sooner or later. I was out in every capacity of my life. I took a little time off at Stanford and lived in L.A. for a couple of months, and I was just being a big whore, being very out. So I was surprised it didn’t happen then.

What was the first thing you did after The ENQUIRER contacted you?

I called my parents. They were a little more freaked out [than I was].

Did your parents give you any advice?

My parents were sort of hesitant. They just didn’t know what to do. They were still dealing with me coming out and weren’t 100% ready for this. So I called Judith. And Judith knew exactly what to do. She said “Look, just talk to them. If they are going to write a bogus story, at least they’re going to quote you right, because they have to.” So I spoke with them, and it actually turned out to be a really great article. It was heartfelt. There was lots of compassion. Everyone was very surprised. So I have some respect for the ENQUIRER for that. It could have gone very wrong, but it didn’t.

Seems like they owe a debt to Danny for that one. That's why he sends in a snapshot of himself at the Crown & Anchor in Provincetown, Mass. and it shares a page with a story on the "American Idol" finalists. But does The ENQUIRER not know where to find an attractive drag queen? Mike Walker's All The Gossip pages in this issue features Kelli Osbourne gyrating onstage at the G-A-Y club in London, overshadowed by a repulsive leather bikini-clad hermaphrodite. At least "Globe" casts a more positive light on gender bending this week, however hypothetical.

HAVE YOUR SAY

The ENQUIRER pays $25 for each letter they publish. Send yours to yoursay@nationalenquirer.com. In the case of this submission that's, like, a buck a word:

The "Oh, Baby!" photos really do make ENQUIRER readers smile! Thanks for putting such a great upper in your pages. Sure beats the downers on the nightly news!--A.M.D., Erie, Pa.

Hmmm, how about the downers in The ENQUIRER? Or do those don't count? Incidentally, the "Oh Baby!" submissions pay $50. This week's features 5-month-old Makayla Evans of Summerville, S.C. in a "rare moment of repose" also known as "sleep".

JACKO'S BABY ISN'T MINE ... SAYS MOM OF HIS OTHER TWO KIDS

The ubiquitous source describes the plight of ex-wife Debbie Rowe.

"Michael basically used her as a hatchery for Prince Michael and Paris. And he has isolated her from their children. He even demanded she give a month's notice before any visit to his Neverland estate. She has said on the rare occasions she did get to visit, she had to go through a sanitation procedure before being allowed to touch her own children!"

Problem is, this story seems to contradict Mike Walker's item from a few pages later:

Hard news in the "Is Michael Jackson broke?" sweepstakes. Swanky Hotel Bel Air, where he often pads when he's not in Neverland, nixed the star's request for seven room reservations until his whopping tab of $200,000 is squared! One week later, "King of Pop" still hadn't popped! It's sad because--and who knew this?--it's where he and baby-maker Debbie Rowe sometimes got together--letting the kids run around through their adjoining suites.

Further along this week, we learn how "JACKO PLAYS SCROOGE AS DAD'S KICKED OUT OF HIS HOME". Joseph Jackson, 73, is currently facing foreclosure on his Las Vegas home where he lives apart from his wife, Katherine. The kids aren't being of much help.

"Meanwhile, Katherine is telling friends that Janet just bought her a place in Vegas under one condition--Joseph could not live there!"

The best revenge for Joseph at this point? Have an affair with Debbie Rowe.

JONBENET COPS SHRED RAMSEY ALIBI--NEW EVIDENCE FOUND AS PATSY'S HEALTH FAILS

The implication, of course, is that the bad karma from the mysterious circumstances surrounding JonBenet's death has come back to haunt her haggard mother. "Chemotherapy treatments for advanced liver cancer caused her colored chestnut-brown hair to fall out, and the returning stubble is tinged with gray. Her weight is approaching 180 pounds." But adding to the image of imminent dementia is the fact that Patsy Ramsey is painting pictures of the investigators "arrayed around her Boulder house--pointing accusingly at it." Another depicts Patsy and her husband John. Beverly Hills psychiatrist and relationship expert Dr. Carole Lieberman offers an analysis:

"In the first painting, she has her accusers arranged in a semi-circle, pointing fingers of guilt. The semi-circle represents the noose tightening around her. The painting with the dead tree and fire, and Patsy and John shown as one person, is very telling. Patsy could be revealing she feels the heat of the investigation closing in on her--and that she and John share the guilt."

An abstract expressionist she is not.

LIZA FIGHTING TO SAVE HER MARRIAGE ... AND THE STRAIN IS TAKING ITS TOLL!

"For weeks she'd been begging him to give her more down time, asking him 'Are you trying to kill me?" a friend disclosed. Sounds like the perfect connubial setting in which to raise a child.

STARS WHO LIE ABOUT THEIR AGE

Donna Mills is 61, not 55. Charo is 61, not 51. Zsa Zsa Gabor is 85, not 83 nor 79 nor 74. Calista Flockhart is 37, not 33. Halle Berry is 36, not 34. Sandra Bullock is 38, not 35. Kirstie Alley is 51, not 47. Sally Jesse Raphael is 69, not 59 nor 57. David Brenner is 66, not 57. And, most significantly of all, Nick Nolte is 61 ... not 70.

INSIDE SARAH MICHELLE GELLAR & FREDDIE PRINZE JR.'S WEDDING PARTY

Nothing beats snapshots that are so blandly candid, they might as well have been staged, in spite of the insistence that the extravaganza in Mexico involved security measures tantamount to the CIA. "During dinner, Sarah, a well-known board game fanatic, revealed she had brought an assortment of games for her and Freddie to play on their wedding night--including Scrabble, Yahtzee and Scattergories." Moreover, "after a post midnight swim in the resort pool, everyone turned in about 1 a.m." Guess they didn't want their celebrity skin to get too pruned. And not a paparazzi helicopter in sight for Freddie Jr. to shoot at.

'AMERICAN IDOL' HOST FLIPS FOR 'BAYWATCH' BABE

Once on "Baywatch" always on "Baywatch"--given that Brooke Burns is currently known as the hostess of reality stunt show "Dog Eat Dog". The "American Idol" host in question is Ryan Seacrest, who'd been dating ancient "Idol" judge Paula Abdul. But a guy pretending to be 26 is probably better off getting busy with a chick pretending to be 24.

Beautiful Brooke had been married to "Charmed" star Julian McMahon, but they split after she read in The ENQUIRER that Julian had been cheating with Shannen Doherty on a sexy island vacation.

That'll usually do it, yes. No word of where Brooke's 2-year-old daughter Madison goes when mom and Ryan are hiking together on the weekends on trails through the Santa Monica Mountains, the beach in Malibu, or strolling hand in hand through the art exhibits at the J. Paul Getty Museum in L.A.


Mike Walker, meanwhile, reports on Ryan being obsessed (italics his) with the suspicion that judge Simon Cowell is flipping him the bird of a regular basis. Cowell says Seacrest is delusional--which is why columnist Walker is offering $200 to the first reader who identifies the best scene where Judge Sarcastic flips the bird. Could it be the recently dumped spinster Paula Abdul's extended digit that Ryan is imagining instead?

THE NAME GAME STARS PLAY AT HOTELS

If The ENQUIRER can pad a half-page with this disposable filler, then we can be equally unimaginative in how we regurgitate it.

Jim Carrey uses the alias Pete Moss.

Rod Stewart likes to be known as Sid James.

Phil Collins books in under the name Peter Brink.

John Wayne Bobbitt uses the fake name Les Johnson.

Rosie O'Donnell masquerades as Fred Beasley.

*NSYNC's Lance Bass orders his green eggs and ham under the name Ted Geisel ... but, oh, the places he won't go!

Thanks to MSNBC.com's Jan Herman, among other plugs, TABBED should hit 6,000 hits in its first week. But where is the reader feedback, huh?

PETS & THEIR STARS!

Yes, they are pets. But are they stars? If you happen upon the British magazine "HELLO!", full of smiling faces of celebrities you've never heard of before, it would seem that most people on those shores aren't pining for their products either. The two-page spread featuring the comments of photographer Christopher Ameruoso makes the case that these "stars" are a mere notch above their animals in terms of fame.

Shannen Doherty: Brought her drooling bullmastiff Max Luca on the set of "Charmed". Will the pooch be as pampered when Shannen goes to film her interstitial segments in her new job deadpanning from a teleprompter as hostess of the Sci-Fi Channel's "Candid Camera"-inspired prank show "Scare Tactics"? Doesn't seem like they'd tolerate dog drool on that set.

Slash: Has a dog and about 30 reptiles "and believe it or not, he plays with them every day." Axl, meanwhile, is preoccupied playing with his dreadlocks.

Kristen Johnston: "She met me wearing a long black dress and said, 'Let's do something different.' Then she pulled off her dress and posed with her dogs in a stunning white Gucci bikini. Wow!" Wow, what? Wow that she didn't have a bulge in her bottoms?

Angie Everhart: Two cats, named Elvis and Ms. Kitty. "She's constantly rescuing animals." And even once rescued one from Shannen Doherty.
The other four featured stars: Pamela Anderson with her dog Star (ah, that'd explain the headline), Jason Wiles of "Third Watch" with a 9/11 rescue dog named Atlas, David Alan Grier with a couple of schnauzers ("funny just like him") and the enigmatic E.G. Daily with her beloved Rottweiler, Cassius.

TONY RANDALL GOT A TOEHOLD ON ACTING IN HIGH SCHOOL

Jean Rappaport Kraft waited over 65 years to pick up her $200 for this Celebrity Classmates submission. She and Leonard "Tony Randall" Rosenberg attended Tulsa Central High School in Oklahoma.

"He was always acting all the time, " his classmate revealed. "With his voice and everything, he said he was playing a part." Flamboyant Tony enjoyed assuming a "theatrical mode," Jean explained.

The "toehold" part of the headline refers to the fact that Tony had "this nerve-wracking habit of cracking his toes in his shoes during class." That would seem justification enough to label the story "TONY RANDALL: TEENAGE CRACK ADDICT". Maybe all the letters didn't fit.

PENELOPE IN SHOWDOWN WITH NICOLE--OVER TOM ... SPANISH SPITFIRE'S DETERMINED TO BECOME THE NEXT MRS. CRUISE

Is this article strictly the product of demographic research on the part of The ENQUIRER? Here we have a situation where Penelope Cruz, cast as the doe-eyed heart-healer, is pitted against the scheming squint of Nicole Kidman. The close source disclosed: "For the past several months Penelope has been consumed with envy over Tom's decision to bring Nicole back into his life." Moreover, "Penelope is stick of being stuck in the 'just dating' mode--she wants a commitment from Tom."

It's a superbly written article, if only because you have all the evocations of a catfight, yet there's nothing in the story that anyone involved in this triangle could be bothered to dispute. Just tales of prima donna actresses huffing off to movie sets and whatnot, while it's Cruise who is depicted as the doting father. This is certainly perpendicular to Tom asserting that America is a "terrifying place", suggesting that he'd be moving his children out of the country.

Is Tom Cruise that much of an anti-patriot that he'd shun his Spanish munequita hanging off his arm at Hollywood premieres in order reunite with that Aussie shrew from whom he maliciously filed for divorce? All for the sake of the children, right?